Bend Her Over Like Beckham

It's Friday, and you know what that means! That's right, it's guest post day! Wooooo!

And without further ado, today's guest post is brought to you by the one and only Mike "I <3 Martino" Carey:

Without being asked by the contributors' of this fine sports blog, and with the two (fake) Jews heading to the homeland for falafel eating, Moses loving, and head from large nosed JAPs, I decided this post needed to be written.

Tomorrow afternoon will reportedly be the biggest sports press conference to ever take place in L.A . David Beckham- famous to Americans for fucking a Spice Girl, famous to the world for being a global marketing icon, and famous to the footballing world for being a world class soccer specialist- is being introduced as the newest midfielder for the L.A. Galaxy.

Does this make you wonder why anyone should care? Does this bring a yawn to your face? Do you and your co-workers share snide remarks directed at the Beautiful Game? If that's the emotion this metrosexual's face conjures, you might be a victim manipulation and trickery at the hands of the 'World Wide Leader in Sports.' (However, billing yourself as the 'World Wide Leader of Sports' and failing to cover the worlds most popular game is like having an economist opine about the global economy without discussing the role of China; its blatant stupidity). You are now saying to yourself- Mike, stop being a soccer-loving ferry and go fuck Martino in the ass without a condom. The reason ESPN fails to cover soccer as accurately and commonly as all these others sports because "The people want to watch football, basketball and baseball. They want American sports!"

I poise this question to you- If a sport is played and not covered by ESPN, does it exist? I want you to seriously think about the hold ESPN's bright lights, ultra-modern Bristol studio, and witty commentators have on you. Think about the amount of reading you do on ESPN.com. Think about all those ridiculously stupid stats some chump intern comes up that you actually think matters. Then think about poker. A marginal game historically associated with sinners, whores, booze-bags, college kids, and fat married men hoping to get away from their nagging wives. BUT you put poker on television, you give it some witty/marginally retarded hosts, and BOOM, you have a fucking phenomenon. You, the ESPN viewer, may be an easily manipulated chump.

ESPN televised around 50% of the 1998 World Cup (the other 50 could be found on Pay Per View) ESPN televised almost 100% of 2002 World Cup (that was easy because it was on in the middle of the night). ESPN televised every SINGLE game in High Definition for the 2006 World Cup. And with that expanded coverage, came high TV ratings. (and I don't mean overall ratings, I mean individual game ratings) I'm not a math major but I see a trend- the more soccer was on TV, the more attention it received. The more attention ESPN paid to it on SportsCenter, the more attention it received by the American sports fan.

ESPN = Televised Sports Popularity.

(im too lazy to look for actual ratings but they were extremely high for the last WC- way higher than ESPN expected. And last months Gold Cup Final, a tournament for national teams comprised of the North American, Central American and Caribbean national teams drew a larger audience then the fucking NBA finals. Sure it's a 1 game final vs. a (potentially) 7 game final but these soccer ratings are coming from Univision and GolTV not ABC!)

Where the fucking am I going with this? Well the only question ESPN seems to be asking of Mr. Posh's arrival is if he can make the MLS and soccer relevant to Americans. The first answer is no- Beckham cannot make the MLS relevant and the second question has already been answered. Soccer IS relevant to Americans, just not to the powers that be in the American media.The current crop of powerful sports reporters grew up unable to watch soccer. They didn't see it on television, had no reference point for how the game is supposed to be played and as a result they cannot appreciate the subtleties of the game. The new follow the old and the new American sports fan (im talking people our generation) have grown up seeing the game on television. For every soccer-bashing Frank Deford or Gene Wojciechowski, there are rising sports columnist like Grant Wahl. (Best American soccer writer hands down. Also covers College bball for SI). Can Frank or Gene remember that amazing 1986 World Cup semi-final game between England and Argentina where Diego Maradona dribbled the entire England team to score? No; there is no chance they can remember that because those games where not TELEVISED nor covered in the mainstream American media. Now, ask these same people about the amazing game between the United States and Mexico at the 2002 World Cup. They will remember that win, maybe not from watching, but certainly from reading about it, seeing it reported on TV, and talking about it with friends. Soccer in America is ALREADY relevant- people just don't know it yet.

Soccer in America is not a one night ice storm that will leave us basking in it's beauty- it's a slowly moving glacier- before you know it, its going to be right on top of you.

Just as the global game took time to gain in popularity in the US, the MLS will too. There are soccer specific stadiums (i.e. 20,00 seat stadiums with much wider fields) in Columbus, Dallas, LA, Denver and Chicago. New York will have one by next year. DC doesn't need one yet cause they turn a profit by pulling around 35k to RFK every game. With team-owned stadiums, organizations can now make a profit. Profits lead to more money for players and better players equal a much more competitive league. Beckham's salary is huge- 32 million guaranteed with a % in jersey and ticket sales. But they have already made back his base salary by telling season tickets and luxury boxes to A-list stars like TomKat.

The MLS is still an inferior league. Some of the player make less then 20k and the product can be ugly, uninteresting, and boring. But the NFL wasn't made in 10 years. These things take time. And with the NHL dying in obscurity, the MLS is in a prime position to take the 4 ^th spot in the American sports landscape. The league is here to stay and Beckham will not make or break it- he will just kick it into another gear and open the door for a potential explosion.

Some things you need to know about Beckham the player-

· He will play his first game in a friendly against Chelsea FC on July 21^st.

· He is by no means a washed up player. When I hear people say this I get pissed. If you have watched him play this past year, you know he is one of the best player in the world. He was starting for Real Madrid- one of the wealthiest sports franchise in the world who won the Spanish title this year.

· He will not dominate in the Kobe, Peyton, Ronaldinho kind of way. But he will be effective and should be the best player in the league.

· He is not flashy at all.

· He doesn't have any one on one moves.

· He may look like a pretty boy but he approaches the game with a blue-collar attitude and works his ass off every game.

· His set pieces (corners/free kicks) are probably the best the world has ever seen. (the bend it like Beckham shit has been played out but his free kicks are works of art. Physicist have reportedly tried to study the swerve and cant figure it out)

· He has an ability to hit a player on a dime running at full speed 60 yards away. His accuracy is unexplainable.

· He will be hit, cheap-shoted, and generally pissed on by opposing players. This will lead him to retaliate and I bet he gets thrown out of at least one game.

· He will not score 3 goals a game.

· But if his forwards make good runs in the box, he could average 2 assists a game.

· Everything he does will be put to a global microscope.

Some things you need to know about the Galaxy.

· They fucking suck right now.

· They are in second to last place. (but have played 4 less games because they were waiting for Beckham to arrive.)

· They had new colors and new uniforms made for his arrival.

· When he gets there, they have a chance of winning the title. (the pieces are there, the team just hasn't messed well and the whole league makes the playoffs except for 2 teams- yup an absolutely stupid set up.

· They have Landon 'Ladycakes' Donovan. Still the best American player. Still a complete pussy-ass bitch for leaving Germany for the MLS.

Enjoy,

Mike

PS I cant wait to see the comments section for this one. And I apologize for the length…